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[Jul. 5th, 2009|04:15 pm] |
Whenever i pass that DNT room in school i feel like im passing by a lost love or something. The longing to be in there making, creating stuff out of nothing. Feeling that my hands are magic. Its the only reality that = to my dreamland.
I really feel at ease when i am crafting work.
Do i still have the touch?? I wonder....
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Cant believe its sunday today. Its already half the day and i still got more to do. Well plan to do at least. I dont know what i do during the weekdays. It seems that i get nothing done. I dont revise, i dont do homework, but i dont watch tv all day. I just dont remember what i did. This troubles me.
MAEC common test 2 is on the 21 july and damn, i find that topic complicating. Its pretty direct actually but when i face all this numbers and formula, i get whoozy(dont know if that is even a word but u get my point right.)
U know, those modules that are less important and use lesser of the brain but requires more time than the other dont they!! Its pretty annoying and just isnt fair. I spend more time doing DSS and LMS and its freaking pointless. grr.
***
Im pretty much the dumbest among my siblings aka my brothers. They score well, do great in their studies. But i dont feel treaten by them. I dont feel the need to do better than them. I dont bother competing against my own family members especially my own brothers that i adore so much. However, i dont know why i feel this way when mom suddenly comes in saying that she expects/hopes that i score as well as my younger brother.
She comes in my room with his common test results and im not surprised that he score all A+. He is smart since baby anyway. Understanding stuff with just a snap.
She says that hopes it motivates me. That is so lame. I dont even wish to prove to anything to my family. I really dont feel the need. really. All i want is to feel satisfied on my account. On my abilities and my own personal achievements. I mention this before that whatever i do, it is not to make my parents proud of me. I know what i need to do.
Selfish u might say? Saying im ridiculous not to try to make my parents proud of me. What kind of daughter i am to not make the parents proud??
Well i am selfish that way.
And i dont know why i burst into tears when she said. Well i only cried after she leaves my room. I close the door and cried. I guess despite me not wanting to prove anything to my parents, the feeling of always not being enough hurts. They dont say that but actions can show that. My mom always tell me about my brothers, this and that but did she say anything about me??? How good i am at doing things? Well maybe to her im not that good at anything. Just not bad. I am plain u know. Not good enough to talk about and dont bad to even complain about. Im just...there.
Heck i dont even know what im saying lah. Its just this overwhelming feeling.
Here i am struggling in poly, trying my best, stressing about my school work, feeling down about how my brain cant focus and there my mom strut in my room and simply show my brother results full of A+ expecting me to do that well.
U KNOW HOW THAT FEELS???!!!!
ITS LIKE A HEAVY BIG BOULDER OR TRUCK JUST FELL ONTO ME. LIKE NOW I HAVE THIS EVEN MORE LOAD TO CARRY. ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT IS IN MY MIND, JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE, BARELY BY THE WAY. DELUDING MYELF, CARRYING MY MIND INTO SELF DENIAL STATE JUST SO I CAN SURVIVE. AND THERE COMES A BIG TRUCK OF SAND THAT POURS ON ME WITHOUT WARNING. I CANT BREATHE, I FEEL LIKE DYING AND GIVING UP.
Yeah so much for motivation mom.
Im in pain physically and mentally. I feel like my body is so weak. |
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